I have recently given up eating meat and chicken — I still do eat fish, though, so I can’t officially call myself a vegetarian which is giving me a bit of an existential crisis. Okay, if I am being honest, there is an actual word for people who eat fish and not meat or chicken, but I can’t go around telling people I am a pescetarian because I can’t really pronounce it and I don’t need to sound any geekier than I already do, so let’s just pretend I am a vegetarian, okay?

So my being ‘vegetarian’ during the past three months I have learned a thing or two about vegetarianism, Egyptians and just how nosy, arrogant and blatantly cruel many Egyptians are. So if you ever decided to go with a certain diet choice, here is the essential guide to surviving our good old Egyptian-everyone’s-nose-up-everyone’s-bottom culture.

1. Do not decide to go  vegan, vegetarian, Paleo or whatever else diet there is right before Ramadan. Trust me, it’s a bad, bad combo trying to explain your old, plump aunt that you can’t eat her rokak because you don’t eat meat anymore when it’s 10 minutes before iftar and she has been slaving for hours in the kitchen, sweating and cursing all her invitees for making her work when it’s hot and she hasn’t had her sugar fix yet. You will also find yourself starving and malnourished because, forget about Ramadan’s modest philosophy and the whole curbing indulgence and luxuries thing, let’s face it, it’s the season for lots of meats and lots, lots and lots of sugar. So if you’re going Paleo, vegan or vegetarian you can imagine the rather limited food choices you’re left with despite the packed iftar table. You stand much better chances over sohour though, so don’t despair — bless our good old foul.

2. Do not try to get into the whole animal rights argument and, by God, please do not even try to explain how flour or the layers of samna (ghee) swimming on top of the artificial-chicken-broth-based soup is actually bad for you and does not ‘terom admek‘ (good for the bones). They won’t get it, they will smirk, laugh, twitch involuntarily and then give you  lectures on how they’ve always lived so and never had any issues and how the new generation are wussies. And don’t even bring up animal rights; you won’t hear the end of ‘God created animals to be eaten,’ ‘what animal rights? Defend human rights instead,’ and my personal favorite, ‘oh, okay, Nadine, we will sing to the cows before slaughtering them if it makes you feel better.’ Give yourself a break and refrain from these arguments.

Did I mention the witty ‘oh, ignore her, it’s a phase, she will grow out of it,’ and the ‘and what will you do when you become pregnant?’ comments? How do I know what I would do when I become pregnant? I assume I will have various bigger issues and concerns to deal with then than my lack of meat eating.

3. Be prepared to argue back when that annoying relative just wouldn’t let it go: No matter how hard you try not to get into the argument, you’re bound to be probed into the whole “Aren’t you a Muslim? How can you not eat what God has given you permission to eat even though the Qur’an tells you to eat from the luxuries God has provided you with?” So come to any gathering that involves food prepared with horror videos of cows being treated with cruelty in Egypt and explain how God never intended for any animal to be treated that way and how there are certain rules Islam has set for halal slaughtering that most of the mass-production industry of meat and poultry do not stick to. Explain that Islam stipulates for the slaughterer to spare the animal the cruelty of seeing other animals being killed and of even seeing the knife used to kill them and it orders us to be kind and gentle. If you’re on Paleo, I am sure you know already the benefits of your diet, so I won’t help you there.

4. People will get offended, live with it. If I had decided to become an atheist I don’t think I would have received the same open-jawed-hands-on-mouths-surprised-big-as-saucer-eyes reactions I received when I came out of the vegetarianism closet. No, seriously, people looked at me like I was a traitor, they were seriously offended that I didn’t want to be any part of an industry that tortures cows and chickens and then takes pleasure in inhumane slaughtering all the while breaking cows’ knees and slashing their tendons to get their necks nicely spread on the floor for the slaughtering. They would look at me in horror, like I was joining the ‘others’ camp, like they had personal interest in my cow-and-chicken-eating. I don’t get it, and don’t intend to, but I decided to live with it, so get over it.

5. Assure everyone you don’t think they’re cruel, heartless beings, even if deep inside you you do a little. I suppose — well, I hope at least — that people get offended because they subconsciously think you are judging them for still eating meat and chicken or for being unhealthy eaters. Assure them that their food choices are of very little concern to you and that you do not project any feelings,judgements, or thoughts about anyone else’s eating habits and that you really couldn’t care less whether they binge on flour and sugar and meat combined.

6. Love thy beans and be prepared with charcoal pills and breath mints. Every single Egyptian dish you wholeheartedly avoided because it made you gassy and gave you garlic breath will become your best friend. So learn to love Shabrawy, Koshary Hind, Tic Tacs, travel-sized brushes, toothpaste, the blue Mentos, travel-sized mouthwash and, above all, always be prepared with Eucarbone charcoal pills. Trust me, you will need all of this when all your colleagues indulge in a juicy, Burger Joint combo and you watch them as you munch on your precious wheat germ and tell yourself you’re healthy and it’s okay and then give in and order an onion-and-garlic-laden koshary dish that is simply never office friendly.

7. If all else fails point out how much weight you lost on  your diet and watch everyone flipping over to the other side and discovering their inner love for animals.