This is certainly more difficult than I thought it would be. Yes, it has been three years since I lost my father to lung cancer but somehow, it still feels like it was only yesterday and that my system needs some serious shaking up to believe it once more.

I’m getting married in less than two months and as incredibly happy as I am that I will finally be starting a new chapter with by amazing partner, I still feel an incomprehensible sense of void that nothing seems to fill up. In a few weeks from now, I will have everyone I love around me, sharing my joy, tearing up in happiness, and wishing me a beautiful new life, everyone except my father. The one person who should be walking with me down the aisle, my father whose hug can never be replaced, with a smile and look in my eye that will be nowhere around me. Yes, I know, he will be in my heart and thoughts like he always is, but that’s not really what I want to be hearing or even thinking now. I comfort myself almost everyday by saying such things but on that day, it’s all going to be different.

The ache in my gut is not something I can explain, and I believe only people who have gone through such a loss can really relate. I’m wishing he would be next to me, holding my hand, wearing his fabulous tuxedo, in perfect health and ready to dance the night away as he shows off his 60s’ moves, acting all silly with our friends. Too many little things come up as one ruthless reminder after the other, that my happiness will not be as complete as it would be if my father was sharing it all with me. I don’t have to wait till the day actually comes to feel it all, I already started feeling the emptiness and torturous frustration months ago since all the planning and wedding talks started.

Occasions like these magnify it all and make the sadness grow in the weirdest ways. Life goes on and people carry on doing what they do but right now, I feel like freezing everything around me until he somehow shows up in person so things would make sense again. I never stopped missing him and I know I never will but at times like these, I miss him so much more.

Something is happening to me, deep down inside. Something is making me a very angry person that I even get too angry visualizing any of my uncles “taking his place” for the day; I will be hugging them but not my father. How does that even make sense? And it’s not about the wedding traditions, the father giving the daughter away or the father-daughter dance; this is so much more than the ceremony’s agenda. This is about not having my father in this phase of my life to share so many moments with.

Yes it is comforting to know that he is no longer in pain and that wherever he is now, he’s in good health and enjoying whatever he’s eating like he always does but that doesn’t really make it any better at this point. I know we would have had so many fights about my idea of a wedding and how I’m planning it all. He would have flipped at the thought that I won’t even be wearing a bridal veil or having a cake, and my mother would have to get involved to calm us both down and keep us from snapping at each other. But I actually miss that and wish I could hear him yell at me and pass on comments about my ridiculous idea of a wedding dress that lacks all sense of wedding fluff. He would try to talk to me into everything I would hate to do and we would fight even more. But when the day comes, he will be dancing with me and we would be laughing at our silly fights about it all.

I miss my father. I can’t stop thinking about this and don’t think I even could..

Today is World Cancer Day so if you’re reading this, please know that someone out there is suffering from this murderous disease and needs any prayers you can send out; so close your eyes and say a little prayer for everyone suffering from it directly or struggling to get over the loss of someone they love.