Planning for one for the rest of your life, or sharing it all? There’s always this dilemma in our minds whether we’re commitment phobes or commitment lovers; something always happens to get you on the other side.

It’s certainly one of the most difficult decisions we always find ourselves making throughout our lives, especially as we, women, snap out of our mid twenties and start approaching our big 30. Regardless of whether or not you believe in commitment and marriage, I believe every one of us goes through that phase where we start weighing out the kind of life we’re leading and relationships we get into and end up having silent conversations with ourselves about which side of the coin to stick to.

I’m not a commitment phobe, I remember being one in my early 20s but that only lasted for six months. I’m not obsessed with commitment either. I would say I’m at a fair level of sanity with regards to the idea and have reached a realistic conclusion about it. I believe in marriage but it still undoubtedly scares me. Despite being a divorcee, the bitterness about it all didn’t last for long and I found myself easing into the idea again, but with quite a different criteria set this time.

I value my independence and I get bored very easily but I also value companionship and would rather share a life with a man who would bore me to bits at times than to bore myself alone forever. I like my space and I could be very difficult to handle at times but I believe that if I meet the right man, he will be able to break my moments of silence without ticking me off and pushing me to the edge. I’m a giver and am at my happiest when I know I’m needed, but I would never respect someone who abuses it and takes me for granted for too long. Sometimes all I want from the world is to walk into a home and have to say or do nothing, yet at other times, I want to walk into a home I’m sharing with a person I love and who loves me back and all we do is share a couch in comfortable silence together. Marriage would give me all that and so much more but would also take away from it and from so many other things.

Marriage is a beautiful and very scary idea. Most of the time, I want to be married to that one particular person because I believe in our companionship. But on many other occasions the idea of being married makes me doubt too many ideologies leading me to favor my single life in confusing silence.

Men think the idea comes easily to women, like it’s some sort of instinct we’re born with. I don’t believe so. I think society and culture grant men the right to freak out and re-think marriage over and over again like it’s part of their DNA until we’re all made to believe that’s such a normal ‘guy thing’ to do. All the while the same society puts women into the mold of obsessing about the idea of it as if it’s all we want from the world. Boys grow up to believe that almost every girl they meet will eventually force them into it because they want that perfect wedding with lilacs and a gorgeous white dress. Girls grow up to believe that boys will run away from the idea so they will have to be cunning and subtle to make them believe it was their man’s idea to propose.

But the truth is, both men and women freak out about marriage, possibly for the same reasons, more or less. The question is, why do you want to get married? And how honest are you about it to yourself and to that partner you look straight into the eyes of?

I think we’re all overlooking a very important ingredient in all of this; talking to each other about that fear. We have the right to be scared of it, it is quite natural to think about it over and over again before taking that step, but it is also key to bring it up and just share what our minds are feeding our system with when it comes to marriage. If you are thinking of sharing a life together, how could you not be comfortable talking about something so big that determines both your futures?

Men need to man up and not see it as a reason to flee when their women bring up the topic, as long as it’s all rational and the intention has been somehow out in the open. Women need to relax and choose the men they want to share a life with and not look for the person who will fit their perfect idea of marriage.

I think our generation lacks maturity in dealing with the idea and ends up toying with the notion in a hurtful and disrespectful manner. Men seem selfish and abusive while women come off as needy and pushy. All because they refuse to communicate in decency and honesty. We tire ourselves going in circles refusing to see how simple it is; marriage is just another realistic choice in life. It’s always a choice; we determine the reason behind going for it and it is up to us to make it or break it.

I am scared of marriage but I would choose to be scared of it with someone who is rational enough to understand this fear and to tell me why it scares him too. I would choose to marry that person because I know we both understand what it takes to live together and how difficult it might be at times but to still choose to be married through it all. I would choose to marry a man who would understand me when I say that I vow to love him even when I hate him and who would feel the same for me. I would choose to marry a man who would rather be bored with me than to be bored alone or with anyone else. I would choose to marry a man, a real man, who sees me as a woman with my own character and my own ambitions that he would support.

Life is beautiful and is also very scary, so how could we expect any of its events to be any different?