Somehow, we can’t just be women
September 16, 2013 | Hadeel El Deeb 7
One of the things that drive me crazy in our culture is how a female is either given the approved option of living with her parents or with a husband; while having a life of her own in a house of her own without sticking to either options, is usually, not an option.
This is sad and frustrating, and what’s more frustrating is that when some of us try to choose a third route, we’re almost always shunned by our own family and of course, seen as outcasts by society.
We grow up to the big idea that “soon enough” we will find ourselves a good husband and a nice home to take care of. Our career is discussed but in so many cases, the choice of that career will need to depend on how it would affect our hours at home since that would be our main care and supposedly utter joy in life.
What if I decide that I do not want to get married, do I not have the right to have my independent life and move into my own created home? And if I am getting married, why can’t I have my own choice of a transitional phase where I would live in a house I would choose to live in? While that same woman who would like to have the freedom to choose what she wants for her life, is one that has a job, covers her own expenses and comfortably provides for herself, and could very much pay for a dependent as well if need be.
I try to rationalize it like our parents often do and I find that it almost always boils down to “what would people say about you? A single woman living on her own while her parents are alive and around; it’s not good for your reputation and it’s not acceptable.” I know of many young Egyptian women who fought for this and moved out anyway, some of whom have completely lost contact with their parents because they pretty much disowned them. Others managed to make it happen after fighting a few horrible battles while insisting to put their feet down and have it their way; after all, it is their life they end up fighting for.
Having said that, Egyptian women are still left feeling mind-boggled, frustrated and cornered when they try to plan for their own lives without the expected husband plan that is always foreseen to be there by default. From my end, I share Mary Wollstonecraft’s thought from ‘A Vindication of the Rights of Woman’ when she says: “my own sex, I hope, will excuse me, if I treat them like rational creatures, instead of flattering their fascinating graces, and viewing them as if they were in a state of perpetual childhood, unable to stand alone.”
It’s like we can only fully exist either as daughters or wives, but not as stand-alone women.
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It’s like we can only fully exist either as daughters or wives..somehow it’s true…and it applies to men too!!
what’s wrong in being part of a family, simply it’s natural & healthy. It’s not about freedom & independence..it’s about creating the free independent environment within the family/home, whether it is parents’ or husband’s. It’s a two way issue that needs to be considered both by society AND women. Women abroad lack this feeling of security, femininity & value because of that free lifestyle. What we should really fight for is the right to be WOMEN and getting the chance to live with real MEN…not the other way around 😉 -
Women here have a bad deal in my opinion, but similarly I find that Egyptian women especially oftentimes do not have the courage to sacrifice others opinion of you for your own personal happiness.
I have lost a few friends and my family have distanced themselves from me because I have some socially acceptable opinions I very strongly believe in and will not back down from due to social pressure. Egyptian women tend not to do the same.
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I wanna live on my own ” this sentence echoed over and over in my head for years and as a result of this thought have had a million fights with my mom , who thought um a wild crazy creature who needed to be controlled by a tough guy to teach me manners. After going through hell I had to choose the husband route ,and as I wasn’t convinced and wasn’t in love it was just a solution to run away from home I had the worst life ever , not because he was a bad person but cause I got married for the wrong reasons , and I spent years apart from him and from my kids trying to revenge from society traditions and family fights by dreaming of my own life alone
Which turned me to calming bills addiction and cutting all connection with my family cause I never really forgave them for what they done . And after I finally cured with physiological therapy and a separation phase where I held my strings and found myself as an independent person who doesn’t need a family or a guy to stand up and be independent . Now um trying so hard to set these concepts to my daughter and teaching her to stand up alone and the fact that she doesn’t need anyone to count on to have a great life . I guess she is too young to understand but wish me luck -
Thank you for sharing this Radwa; I completely understand what you’re saying. I too had the same problem and see it around me all the time. It’s such a shame that parents end up alienating their own children because of this barrier that evolution and modernity seem to create despite the trials to discuss and tear down those walls. I don’t think it should ever be that complicated but it’s the way they’ve been raised that will probably always act as a factor. I really do wish you all the luck with your daughter but I also believe you will do just fine with her, given that you have been put in that situation and wouldn’t want your daughter to ever go through the same dilemma. I have faith in the coming generations and how they would set a different foundation for all those women who are bound to have a great and fundamental role in their society.
Please keep sharing your stories; we would love to always hear from you.Hadeel
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Thanks Mona for your comment. I believe I might have not been able to express myself right in the post; what I’m saying is that it should be the woman’s choice to choose a life of her own and not just be cornered into either being a daughter or a wife. Both are beautiful in their essence, when are exercised freely and genuinely, but also, being a woman in itself as an independent individual is also crucial for our development and choices we make. I worry that a lot of women in Egypt and other parts in the middle east, end up getting married to simply get out of their parents’ homes and not because they want to be married to that person in particular. Women should not be driven to pick either this route or that just because the society entails they must; it should be a choice. The freedom to simply be what she wants to be.
Hadeel
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I agree with you to a big extent Ahmed; women should definitely put their foot down and understand that whatever path they choose is one they have to own up to regardless of what the society forces them to do just to abide by labels and rules. So yes, we do need to have more guts and realize that we’re not asking for favors, but rather the right to choose freely.
Hadeel
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“Women abroad lack this feeling of security, femininity & value because of that free lifestyle.”
Have you lived abroad and asked women there how they feel? What makes you think that living on your own means you are lacking security, femininity and value?
Do you only feel feminine when you have people around you? What do your values have to do with sharing a house? I just don’t get it.
As a woman who’s been living on her own – and enjoying it – for many years, I find your comment strange and offensive.
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