“I want to spend the rest of my life with you, let’s get married” and the nightmare begins.

They meet,  flirt a little, start dating, they vow commitment, they’re in love, they spend a year or two together, he proposes, she says yes, he goes to meet her family for the ‘official proposal’ and then one of three scenarios happens (there are certainly many more scenarios but in my head, these are the major common ones):

Scenario one:

They’re still in their 20s and actually need to go through every single step with their  parents’ involvement. The dreadful and very embarrassing financial talk happens, the girl lets it and the guy is irritated but wouldn’t really oppose because in their eyes he’s still not ‘man enough.’

The girl and her mother meet the guy and his mother to go buy the shabka (engagement ring and diamond band). The girl ends up being pushed into buying the flashiest, most unsuitable ring for her because she needs to show off that bling. If she tries to resist or pick a simpler, more elegant one, the mothers’ comments are usually “eih ya habebty da? la da ygebhoolek fi eed miladek/ di mish shabka tewry! (what is this, darling? This he would get you for your birthday; this is not an engagement ring to show off).” 

A big engagement party is expected because who are we kidding? What would the guy’s family say if we don’t have an engagement party with five-stars catering and overdone decorations poking everyone’s eye as they make their way to watch the moment of talbees el shabka, (the groom putting the engagement ring and band on the bride’s hand).

They find themselves looking for apartments with the family. Picking the furniture their parents approve of. Next thing you know, their house looks like their parents’ in a way or two. Wedding preparations? Family’s say. “No, no, we don’t want a zaffa” is not even an option. Wedding cake? “What? You’re not going to have the cake show with the light and smoke show? No, there’s no wedding without this one.” And of course, the kosha (bride and groom’s special seats) is a bit of a struggle but if they’re lucky, they might get away with not having this one.

Years and years go by and the couple find themselves living with their families involved in practically every single aspect of their lives. Years down the line, are they a happy couple? Are they even still married?

Scenario two:

They’re in their 30s or above and decide to do things their way. He proposes, she says yes. The man meets the family, out of respect, for the official proposal. In advance, the woman makes sure no finances are brought up because after all, this is their life and they’ll do it the way they see fit in accordance to their income and spendings.

They go apartment hunting together, pick what they feel would be comfortable and cosy. They furnish it in their own taste; they could very much involve their parents but that would be out of mere choice to do so.

The wedding ring is elegantly offered to the bride-to-be as a beautiful gesture and as the gift it truly is; handpicked by the man with some help from a friend or maybe his own impression of what his woman would like. She takes it and loves the effort put in without her trying to get embarrassingly involved into ‘picking’ it.

The wedding might not even be desired but they could decide to have a small intimate celebration for close friends and family; the point is, they would usually lead and not be pushed into spending hundreds of thousands if they don’t want to. They have a celebration they enjoy with a couple of compromises here and there but they conclude the night with no grudges held or drunken moments to forget about the selfishness of parents’ involvement.

Years down the line, this couple is leading their own life with or without much of their families’ involvement, by choice. Are they a happy couple? Do they have a healthy partnership that would last longer than the couple from scenario one?

Scenario three:

The couple choose to take the complicated road and fuss about each and every single detail along the way. In all honesty, girls or women are the ones who end up doing that and the guys or men decide to put up with it, or simply let the female handle everything since it will end up being her say anyway and mostly because they really couldn’t care less if they had roses or cabbages for centerpieces. “I want this particular flower put on that very distant corner that nobody will notice over there.” I want this salad with a dash of more citrus and a sprinkle of subtly mint-flavored whatever.

Fast-forward through the years — because I really cannot go through every detail my mind could fathom — the couple is sitting on their designer-label couch with the wife texting her friend about how inattentive her husband has become while the man is obsessively engrossed in his work like it’s the end of the world. Will they be pretending for long?

The point is, marriage is what you make of it and for as long as we refuse to see it as a partnership with both contributing to it equally, it will hardly be a healthy decision to live by. It’s not about the money invested in the wedding, it’s certainly not about all the stressful formalities that we allow ourselves to give in to because we would otherwise hurt our parents, and it should not be about buying a house or renting one. It’s two people living a life together yet recognizing and beautifully accepting the need for one’s space to grow with the support of the other. The little details enjoyed throughout the years and during every phase is something not to be ignored. There is no point in stressing. There is no need to turn it into a burden because if you start feeding your mind with all this mayhem, you will end up turned off before you even start living that life you’ve been wanting with your partner.

Women should not be offered for the best bid, men should not be walking wallets. If either happens, it’s because we allow it to.