I’m sharing those words with you as I try to shut out my fearful thoughts about my appointment for a fertility test tomorrow. Why it has been crossing my mind for the past six years, I’m not sure. More often than not, the thought keeps lingering there as I daydream about the possible scenarios of how I would react if the tests say I am at a risk of being infertile.  But then again, I would rather put the anxiety to rest than just sit there allowing it to take over my potential life plans.

In my random conversations with friends, I realized many women have the same concern while barely any man I talked to shared the same thought. A few men actually turned into one of those macho jokes; “I’m as fertile as an agricultural field,” were a friend’s precise words.

Do I want to have children with the man I would marry? Well, if I’m marrying him then it means I want my children to grow up to be like him, so yes, of course I do. But I also want to adopt a child or two in addition to our own. I have strong beliefs about adoption and I wish every couple in the world would be the loving home of at least one child. I still wish to have my own child conceived with the man I love, so if I won’t have this option, I would like to know so I would give myself the right to freak out.

But why is it that females even have this fear sometimes? And most of the time, with no reason to even start worrying? I mean I would understand if I have been trying for a good few months and it doesn’t seem to happen then I start worrying a bit. But in my situation, as is with many others, it’s just there, in our minds, in our deepest gut.

Do I worry it would be a reason for a future marriage to be over? Or not even happen at all if my potential partner knows I’m infertile? I have mixed feelings about this. While I believe he should have the right to want to have his own ‘made’ child, I also believe it would be unfair to just let go of a solid companionship just because I have no power in altering my own fate of bearing our children. Would the beautiful need of my carrying my own child one day stop me from marrying a man I want to have as a partner, but who would happen to be infertile? Absolutely not. And I say that with a sad thought hitting me, but still, I don’t see why that would stop me from having a beautiful companionship for the rest of my life.

There are so many possibilities to look into if that should be the case for either one of us but I will only mention those I believe in: homeopathy, acupuncture and energy healing, and if all fails, then there’s the lovely idea of giving a complete stranger a place he would call home and a loving couple they would call mom and dad.

Why then would I be going for a test if I were not even trying to start a family at this point?

1. I am a 30-year-old woman and according to the world, I should start thinking about what would happen to my ovaries if I allow them to age and don’t start putting them to good use.
2. I’m no good with controlling my thoughts, so it’s easier to put the worry to rest since I actually can.
3. If it turns out my biological clock Is really ticking, then I will start thinking of what I want to do next; hunt that man down and propose to him so we’d start making a baby already or just wait until it’s the right time to really panic.
4. If I am indeed infertile, then I can allow myself to be sad about it while I daydream about how many kids I will one day offer a loving home to.
5. If tests say I will not be able to bear my own children then I can give the results to my beautiful mother as one last resort to stop her from nagging me into marriage so she would finally have the grand children she is always obsessing about.

Will I share the results with you? I guess it’ll all depend on what I find out and when I’ll be ready to talk about it.