1. Of course, we have to top the list with the ducky, kissy face that you think is sexy and really just looks silly, fake and like you’re trying too damn hard.

2. Boys and girls: Unless the picture was really, really spontaneously taken (and you haven’t asked your friend to take a picture from the best angle possible to show your bod) we don’t need to see your six packs for the gym sessions to pay off. Please, just pose with a t-shirt and we will be able to tell you have a rocking body beneath it, we promise. Okay, if you insist, we can see your abs on the beach.

3. Speaking of the gym sessions, unless you’re a trainer, we really do not need to know and see each and every exercise and routine  you do at the gym. How many kilos you can bench, how many abs reps you’ve done today or how long you’ve run is something to boost about to your significant other, it’s really none of our business. What are you doing it for? A virtual applause or to rub it in your ex’s face?

4. And please, we do not need to know each and every detail of your day, how heavenly the dish you cooked only concerns us if you’re sharing a recipe. A picture of that dish is, again, only needless boosting. So please, keep your Facebook and Instagram updates to under five posts a day — trust us, Instagramming your whole day makes us feel your whole life is for the social media show.

5. If you’re quite the world traveler, if you’re constantly on the beach holidaying in the Caribbean, please, have mercy on those of us who cannot make it past the Cairo toll station and spare us the cocktail in hand, painted, tanned toes and turquoise sea in the horizon pictures.

6. If you’re annoyed with social media, if you’re planning to get off it, then please do so without informing us. Our lives won’t be much affected by your getting off Twitter or Facebook for a couple of days, trust us, nobody would notice. So there’s no need to ask leave from fellow social media users before unplugging for a few days.

7. If you do declare to the whole online sphere how bored you are of the social media world and how you’re unplugging and ask people not to be too sad about it, then please do not post a few hours later; you only look ridiculous. And this takes us back to number six: If you need to unplug, do so without telling us, please.

8. We’re not quite sure how it works; you get devastated over something, you’re in tears, dreading the world, hiding under the covers and then an epiphany happens and you decide to log onto Facebook to tell everyone you’re too depressed? Where did the good old days go, when hiding under the covers were the only thing you wanted to do when you were down? Sigh.

9. If you’re coming down with a cold, do not share it on Facebook: You only look desperate for attention and a few kind words. At least be subtle about it and if you absolutely must let everyone know you’re sick, ask for home remedy tips and people will get it without you ending up looking like the perfect attention-seeker.

10. If the tragic event of a young person dying happens and you happen to have a distant relative who once came across that person, do not share the news on your page like it’s the most tragic thing that ever happened to you. Showing you faintly know a dead person doesn’t make you in the ‘in crowd’, we promise.

11. If you get an inner arm tattoo, posing with your arm above your head, with your arm rather uncomfortably reaching over to an imaginary object or in the thinking philosopher position is rather obvious. If you must show the whole world your ink, be upfront and say you had a tattoo and post the picture; nothing is subtle there.