Modern-day Marriage: The Missing Ingredient
May 23, 2013 | Ahmed El Wannas
Excerpts from real life (1)
“So, I decided that today was going to be the day where I put my foot down. I looked at her and said, ‘Woman, enough slacking off! Today is going to be the day you cook again. It’s been a week already.’”
She’s heard that story being told, a few times before, you can tell from the look on her face. He continues, “I come back home and, sure enough, food is on the table, home-cooked food. But it tastes so goddamn terrible that I stop eating, after a few bites, look at her and say ‘I can’t eat this. How about we order in, tonight, love?’”
They look at one another and laugh, good-humouredly.
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“Nearly 40% of marriages in Egypt now end in divorce.”
“There is a divorce every three minutes in Egypt.”
Warning bells have been ringing and red lights flashing, for about a decade now, and with good reason; the trend is alarming. When attempting to interpret the phenomenon, the most common reasons one comes across revolve around Egyptian women’s emancipation and the take-over of western values in our society. They say how the Egyptian woman is becoming man’s equal, earning her own living, thus rendering her more free to take the decision of separating from her spouse and how the khul’ law, that constitutes more than half of divorce volumes, has been at the center of this boom.
Amazing how women single-handedly take the bigger share of the blame in this.
Sure, a woman would of course decide to end a perfect marriage, break up a happy home and raise children on her own just because she now can.
The ungrateful tramp was dealt a really nice hand, but she drew the khul’ card, and, naturally, happily smacked it on the table. What a patriarchal society we still live in. These are skin-deep causes to a deeper malaise.
Khul‘ and an independent income are the tools which have allowed Egyptian women to be empowered, helping them take their destiny in their own hands. Because of that she c
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I think one of the key issues regarding marriage here in Egypt is the meddling of families. They often play a role in who is chosen as a spouse and there is unneeded pressure to be married at an early age. If individuals could take their time until they’re mature enough about themselves before they worry about marrying another human being (and then bringing another human being into the world so quickly), I think marriages would fare better. Also, if divorce wasn’t shown as such an accepted alternative (which is also is back home) and that it was widely discussed that any relationship worth having takes work, we’d be in a better place.
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mmmmm Communication is the key once both know how to communicate together…yet i don’t agree with u that girls now us the Khul crad as a way out.. there are really bad cases that push women to go to this card..
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Hi ADT,
I completely agree with you on that last comment of yours! One of our generation’s traits is that we probably consider the divorce option all too easily. When it comes to waiting until one is mature enough, I hear you but I have to admit that, to me, maturity comes with experience. Marriage is not something you can prepare or be ready for; you simply take the plunge! The trick, I guess, is to stand firm against societal pressure (sometimes coming from those closest to you) and save oneself for that special one, the one we’d feel taking a plunge with isn’t that scary…
As for families meddling, don’t you agree there’s a rewarding middle ground one can reach, between having the family too involved in the couple’s life and keeping the family too much at bay? After all, family is all marriage is about 🙂Thanks for reading and, more importantly, giving me/us a piece of your mind!
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Hi SY,
Looks like my sarcasm has worked against me, once more!
You and I, actually, 100% agree on this, but my writing must have been unclear: Khul’ has allowed Egyptian women an option which was denied to them, for far too long: the option to take their lives into their own hand and decide of their destiny!Communication is at the heart of a successful relationship, for sure. But let me add a few adjectives: Benevolent, tolerant, love-laced communication. Else, things go dry. And dry goes sour.
Thanks for reading and sharing with us all!
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Interesting.. First, now i have to try the chocolate zucchini cake!! Second, last paragraph, you are being so pessimistic. I agree that we have all seen the same movies, read the same books…etc and most of the married ones are now struggling, but still there is this tiny % of couples who still have the spark.
As for why married couples end up in a “dry” relationship, you have dozens of reasons. But let me just focus on the one i observed the most. Basically, especially in middle eastern societies, marriage is the goal, (the end: as we all saw in old arabic movies) and not the beginning of a new relationship. See for example, when a guy takes a girl out on a date. He has to arrange for a place, get dressed, be there on time, pay the check(maybe), …etc. He gets out of his way and puts some effort. Same for her, she would throw a bday party, get the gift, invite friends…etc. It is like anything else, it needs hard work, like getting promoted, like getting your degree. Most couples don’t have this culture of investing in the relationship. On the other hand, pre-wedding planning, again in the ME, is so exhausting that couples are so tired after the wedding, they basically think it is time to relax. After a while, the whole marriage package is taken for granted.SO, i’ll go look for the chocolate zucchini cake!!
Nice article 🙂 -
Hi Sue,
God bless the tiny percentage who inspire us all. Else, we would have thrown the towel, long ago, and stopped thinking, writing and dreaming about a life made fuller with the existence of that beautiful other.
Another reason, you give there, I fully agree with! Marriage, like anything truly rewarding in life, needs work. Maybe the trick is that, when you’re with ‘the one’, it doesn’t feel like work, most of the time…
I got a taste of my first chocolate zucchini cake through a Kiwi friend of mine, who baked it for us. So I’m afraid the chances of you having choco-zucccake is either if you struck up a friendship with Leanne or baked it yourself!
But let me tell you I looked the recipe up, on the Internet, and gave it a try at home. Yumm! And I promise you: if I can bake it, anyone can!Thank you for reading and mucho love for chipping in with YOUR two-pennies’ worth. If everyone contributed with their two pennies, we might have enough to buy into marital happiness! See? Not pessimistic! 😉
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40% of marriages in Egypt end in divorce is both shocking and devastating.
But that makes me wonder, before women somehow earned their right to be man’s equal (loosing being special in the process), earning her own living (sorry but I think is unfair, I think she will just be pushing herself to the limits don’t forget she will be having a job like a man and parallel to all that in most cases she will be having a 24/7 job of being a mum), and how the khul’ law helps with stubborn Men, what was happening before that? How many women lived like zombies, just because she is financially dependent on him, or any other reason?
I believe this indicates that the problem (even if not 100%) was already there just giving women another option they directly went for it, they been just waiting for the optimum point where the hassle and difficulties they will have to face from a divorce emotionally and financially is equal to what they are already facing in a dying marriage relationship.
Only solution I can think of is through communication they both avoid reaching this point, because divorce or no divorce no one deserves living like this.
I come from a Home where Unfortunately she lets call it gave-in more than him but I can assure you after 32 years of marriage they now are (together) sowing what they reap, they are happy with 4 children. -
Loved your article! And let me tell you, as a divorced woman and a single mom I would love to contribute with my two pennies 🙂
I would highly agree that Egyptian Women are now using the khul3 card, because now they have an option, they had to go through a long debate with the husbands before of wanting to get divorced then receive rejections And having this option available made a lot of women “Yestashelo”! instead of facing their problems, communicating and trying to solve their marriage issues they go to Khul3.
On the other hand, you guys forgot a very important factor which is “Acceptance”! To accept your wife for who she is! Both men and women get mature, they grow up and their priorities in life change and at those times, both husbands and wives must accept that change and deal with it but they DON’T! Here when you start looking outside the box of your marriage home to find someone accepting the new YOU!
Communication, Tolerance…etc are some old reasons that we will always talk about 🙂
Finally, WORKING ON the relationship – Relationships needs hard work to stay successful, we end up our hard work once we have the ring in our right hand – both men and women 🙂 And if you’re asking me, this is the KEY!
Hope my contribution was useful, this is a true story 😀
Jessie
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Hi Ramy,
I see your point, when it comes to the difficulty of balancing things out for women, when they have a professional career in addition to their 24-hour motherly duties! But I like to think there is no one-size-fits-all recipe for this. I believe some women manage to come up with a formula – among which are part-timing or landing a job with flexible hours, etc. – that allows them to cater to their family duties, while still being able to thrive in their careers and as a person. And it doesn’t even need to be anything less than a full-time job. Some make it work beautifully, regardless! As long as both husband and wife keep in mind that nothing is perfect, that a healthy balance in life is key to success, and that priorities need to be revisited in every stage of life and corresponding actions need to be taken, I am a firm believer the couple will manage to find the right answers for their specific situation. Which brings us, once more, to healthy benevolent loving communication, at the heart of it all.
Thanks for reading and pitching in, sir! -
Hi Jessie,
Unfortunately, the “istiss’haal” phenomenon is a trait of both men and women in our generation! I’ll be super cynical for a minute and claim that some people commit more and longer to a diet than they do to make a relationship work, nowadays.
You have my full vote, when it comes to what you mention as keys to a successful ‘vie de couple’: Effort, communication and tolerance. And it makes it all the more valuable, coming from you, who “has been there”!
Really appreciate you having taken the time to read and share!
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